It's raining softly outside. The light is soft, but clear. It's 8 AM. It's perfectly cool, and the air smells like honeysuckle. Every leaf perfectly formed, some eaten, some already fading and passing into their next phase of existence. It's just so perfect out there, it's hard to describe the feeling. I took some things out to the mailbox, slipping on some heels because they were the closest thing, and wandered around outside just taking everything in. The sense of peace of being out there, alone, on a tiny spot on the most beautiful rock in the sky, is amazing. For a while everything I'm trying for slips away, and all that's left is me. And it's the me that only has to answer to my own heart. I am there, busy thoughts removed, breathing in and out, an incredibly complex creature that has been reduced to the perfect appreciation of her surroundings. The early, rainy morning means few bugs, and I'm not itching or sneezing. I'm free. In this moment, I have the things I want. My goal in life is not so much to acquire things, but to shed the things I am burdened with. I don't want to move to a cave in the forest somewhere with not a stitch on me to commune with the elements, or anything - but I want a simpler, purer life. I want a piece of land, away from noise and annoyance, and I want to build a house on it with my husband. I want to build that house from the ground up, with the ground. Cob. I will know what is in every part of that house. We will shape every component of it ourselves. Hopefully, I'll be able to make some special things that will go inside the house. I want to learn to sew and embroider so that I can mend things well, but I also have this idea of making quilts/blankets for each of my children. I had a really special blanket I called my Green Blanket that I used until it fell apart so much I really could not use it any more without it ending up as rags. I know I still have it, it's packed up safe somewhere. I'd like to make something like that for my kids. I want things to be special, made with care and love. I want a life that is full of things that were not created solely for the money they put in someone's wallet. Material things and immaterial things alike. I make bread, and jam, and I want to make cheese and other dairy products. I want my entire life to be like that.
I got distracted and can't continue this right now. But if I save it as a draft I KNOW I will never come back to it in a timely manner, so instead, you get a half-formed post. :) Is it better than no post?
There's a possibility I'll come back and finish it, but I won't make a promise. Because I'll feel shitty if I break it.
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