A Little Conflicted

If you know me, you probably know that one of the things that bothers me the most is when people use faggot/gay in a derogatory way. It makes me uncomfortable, and it's hurtful. Most of my friends have said at least gay one time or another, and I usually speak up about it. I try to be gentle about it. It's very important to me but the last thing I want is to offend in turn. And usually, most people don't mean anything by it. They use it thoughtlessly, generally as a word synonymous with lame. Plenty of people who use it have no problem with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. And for that I'm very glad. :) But it's a pattern that can eventually have completely unintended harmful consequences.

You've probably heard my explanation of why this matters to me, so I'll skip that. I wonder, though, am I too forceful about it? I don't want to seem like someone who just has a stick up her ass. I want to make you understand that words can have consequences whether we intend them to or not. It's like talking about a celebrity of whose weight is average, but more than usual for famous, "beautiful" people, and calling her fat. Girls in our culture are very sensitive about their weight. They grow up seeing these fashion models, these celebrities, who are all terribly skinny, and told by it that this is what you have to look like to be beautiful. This is what you have to be if you want to be accepted. And it's not a whit true, but repeated exposure embeds the concept in their minds. Many, too many, girls develop eating disorders. Many more are simply made very self-conscious and try too hard to be someone else's ideal of beauty. It's the same with gay kids. Hearing 'gay' used negatively all the time embeds the feeling that being gay is something to be ashamed of, a feeling that isn't helped by lack of acceptance in conservative and religious communities and even from within their own families.

I was extremely fortunate to have a family who supported me wholeheartedly. Coming out as bisexual was no big deal for me. My mom noticed I had been reading some gay webcomics, and one day at the store it came up in conversation, and she asked me, "Are you gay? Because it's okay if you are." I told her I was bi, and she said okay. And that was that. At another point, she told me that she didn't care whether I ended up with a man or a woman as long as I gave her grandkids. "But not too soon!" Similarly, it was a non-issue with my dad. He jokes about it, and we can admire hot girls together. My grandma didn't have any problems with it, and told me she had experimented in her youth. I love my family and wouldn't trade them for the world. But I have known friends who have faced rejection from their families, and I have been with a girl whose parents hated me and did everything they could to keep us apart. Seriously, can you think of anyone who hates me?? Everybody loves me.

So this is a big deal for me. I would love it if everyone made an effort not to use it. Lame works just as well, and if you don't think it's a big deal, then it shouldn't really be too hard to switch to saying lame instead, right? (MWAH to Wesley for trying very hard at this.) It bothers me a lot more when people say faggot. It's a cruel word. Its influence is far less subtle than 'that's gay'. Whenever I see it, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It makes me sick and sad. I almost never see this one from my friends, which I am very glad of.

Am I too zealous about this, though? What do you think, when I tell you that it bothers me and why? Does it bother you, annoy you? Or do you take it as I intend, as a request to think about what you say and how it may affect people?