My blogs never usually work out too well. Neither do my diaries, or my journals, or any short stories I've ever tried to write. I've got a grasshopper personality. Something fascinates me and I focus all my attention on it for a while, before being drawn away by something equally fascinating. I don't usually lose interest in the current thing, I just can't do everything I like at once. But I'm trying to give blogging another go.
I don't really know what kind of pre-amble introduction doo-bob to write, so I won't bother. Either you know me or you'll get to know me.. I'm not good with rules, or structure. So screw that, and here we go!
I've been beset by envy lately. I feel like I've been left behind and left out of a lot of things in my life. Pain cripples me, depression cripples me, anxieties cripple me. Heartbreak, on occasion. There are many people with lives worse than mine, and I'm grateful for the things I do have. I'm very mindful that I have shelter, food, clean water, love, education, access to most of the things I need to survive and plenty to make me happy. But my life is not easy. I'm happier now than I've ever been - or perhaps not ever. I think I was happier as a child, but children are simple. Let us say, then, that I have more reason now to be happy than I ever have. And still, darkness haunts me. Sorry to be melodramatic, but... blogging is for pouring your heart out, right? Saying the things you don't normally say, things that aren't really easy or polite to bring up in conversation. Or it can be. That's what I've always wanted out of blogging. That's what I'm aiming to get.
I'm finishing my GED next month. That's my current goal. I dropped out in October 2008. Who among you would ever have thought that I would be the one to leave school? I was always the smart one, right? Quiet, focused on her work, always reading. Life takes unexpected turns... a common theme in all our lives, I know. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad, but always things you never dreamed of. Whoever said "Life is what happens while you are making plans" had the right of it. So, two years wasted. Eh... no. Two years spent healing and finding answers, while all other life moved on without me. Two years spent dreaming.
Now I look around me. My friends are at college, or married, several have children (some on the way). A lot of them have jobs, and are in their own house. The future is coming fast toward my generation. I have those dreams, too. If I don't go for a full degree or certificate, I would at least like to take a couple of classes. Pottery is an interest of mine, and I would love to see if I have any talent for it. I'm usually pretty adept at any artsy thing I try. Biology is always interesting, and I think I'd like to take a class in botany. I love herbs and I'd like to have a deeper understanding of plants. That would really be more of a recreational course, though. A business class or two wouldn't hurt, seeing as how I'm not really making any money right now with my jewelry or my photography. There are actually specific craft marketing and enterprising classes at the local college. Photography classes would be nice. Some basic chemistry classes.. An earth science class would be fun. There's a first aid & CPR class that probably everyone ought to take. Much as I hate it I should probably also take a refresher course in math, because I suck at it. I rely on a calculator for all but the most basic tasks. Fuckin' hate math. Let the people who find it interesting have all they want of it, but give me words and art. Ooh... there's a swimming class? (Yes, I'm looking through the course catalog as I write.) I need to know how to swim. There's a water aerobics class, too - that sounds easy enough for my body. WHOA! There's a tai-chi class at the college! Holy fucking shit! I want that... See, I read a study a while back that fibromyalgia patients who practiced tai-chi saw a HUGE improvement in symptoms.. And I haven't found a class close enough for me to take! Halle-fuckin-lujah! Alright, that's pretty cool. That's on the list. I really do want to go to college.. I'm kind of afraid of trying, actually. I don't know how well I could manage, physically. But I'll find a way... I'll get my GED and soon we will be renting our own place, and I'll be able to get financial aid, and that stuff will fall into position.
The other stuff isn't so easy. We have specific plans for our wedding, which I would be all too happy to talk about in a later post, but the short of it is that we aren't planning to be wed for several more years. Engagement is another story, however. I'm ready to be officially engaged yesterday! :P It's exciting, though, waiting for him to propose. I've thought long and hard about it. I don't think I was really ready to make that promise even just a few months back. I haven't wavered in wanting to be his wife, but marriage really is a big commitment, and I think the promise to marry is just as big. It's a partnership. The love and support go both ways, and for a long time he's been carrying me. Through no fault of my own I have been ill and weak, mentally and physically, and damaged by the past. I don't have to be superwoman to be a wife, but when he needs me, I need to know that I will be strong enough to be there for him. I have already seen how a relationship can break when you have two very damaged people trying to love each other.
I have to go. My back is hurting too much to sit in this chair any longer. I'll continue that train of thought later.
And so, an inconspicuous end to a rather uncertain beginning..
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